Milliardo's Hell
by Dr. Smith's Granddaughter
Summary: I had an idea, what if our five pilots and the princess were five years old and left in the care of Lucrezia Noin and Milliardo Peacecraft? This is the result of that idea. Rated T for mild language and reference to mature themes.
1. Minivans Suck

"Milliardo's Hell"  
Story by A.E. Alexander  
Gundam Wing and Co. Are © a lot of people who aren't me.  
The first draft of this story was done up in 1999. The only changes made were to fix spelling and some grammatical errors that were absolutely driving me crazy. Although, the over all sentence structure bothers me, but I don't really want to rewrite it, so I'll live with it. All hail rough drafts and their glory.

If you are looking for a story that has a chance of being completed- this isn't it. I might one day write an ending, but as it stands I have no interest in doing so. Hopefully, you'll read any way and tell me what you think (hopefully, it's nothing too bad, because the _fact_ that this came out of my head is a little embarrassing). This will run for two chapters and the start of a third.

Summary: An experiment gone wrong leaves our five pilots and the princess as five year olds. To keep them busy until a cure is produced Noin suggested taking them to Disneyland for the weekend.

Note: back seat- Wufei, Heero, and Duo. Middle seat- Trowa, Quatre, and Relena.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter One  
Minivans Suck

Milliardo Peacecraft sat slumped behind the wheel of his rental van drifting in and out of reality. Try as he might, he could not ignore the onslaught of noise from the six children in back. Sanity was slowly slipping away as Lucrezia Noin added to the chaos by hurling orders at the tots.

"Duo stop pinching Quatre's nose!"

"Trowa don't climb on the seat!"

"Heero put the head back on Relena's doll!"

The doll head came flying, bouncing off the windshield.

"Don't do that again, Heero."

"Wufei, what's wrong?"

"Trowa, I said sit! I mean it."

Grasping the steering wheel, watching his knuckles turn white, Milliardo brought the van to a sharp halt. Trowa, half way over his seat, lost his balance and smacked his chin on the door sending him wailing.

"Oh Trowa . . . next time listen to me." Noin said, calmly looking him over. "Zechs . . .," she started.

"Shut the hell up. I've had it!"

The van fell quiet, all eyes on him, stunned. As the menacing tine of his voice sank in, Quatre's bottom lip started to quiver.

"Oh no . . ." Milliardo groaned, just as the flaxen haired boy burst into tears. Heero and Wufei collapsed into a fit of laughter, while Relena patted Quatre's hand. Noin rolled her large, dark eyes.

"Nice going," she said, lifting the teary eyed boy onto her lap.

"How was I to know he'd cry?" He asked, slamming his head against the steering wheel in despair

"You don't yell at chil- Duo get your hand out of there! You don't yell at children like that."

"Uh, sure . . ." He started the van and hit the gas muttering to himself.

"Hey, Zechs, look at me! Zechs? Zechs!"

"What."

"Look!"

Bringing the vehicle to yet another stop, the nineteen year old prince shifted his cold blue eyes to Duo's face. The chubby-cheeked pilot had pens in his ears, his index fingers up his nose, his tongue hanging out, and violet-blue eyes crossed.

"Nice to see you without your mask."

"Shut up, Heero!" Duo said, removing his fingers and pens to slap him.

"You shut up." Heero hit back. Duo blocked his arm and twisted. "Ow! Stop! Let go stupid."

"Don't hit me and I will."

"I'll hit you if I want to." Heero kicked him.

"Boys, stop it now! Duo let Heero go," said Noin.

Wufei, who looked dead asleep, suddenly opened his eyes, climbed over and stuck his head between the front seats, his black eyes studying Milliardo intensely.

"What is it, Wufei?" He asked coldly.

"Are you a girl?"

Shock passed over the young man's face. Noin giggled. Wufei continued, "your hair is long like a girls and like Duo's. He's a girl too."

"Am not!" _SLAP_

Wufei rubbed the back of his head. "Don't hit me, girl!"

"Don't call me a girl!"

"You're a weak girl," he sneered.

"Take that back, Woofy!"

"Don't call me Woofy."

"Woofy, Woofy, Woofy!" Duo grinned broadly, took a deep breath, then: "WOOFY."

Heero rubbed his ears, annoyed. At that same moment Wufei let out an angry scream and threw himself in the back, intending to grab his braided foe and pound him.

"I think you're both girls!" Trowa yelled at them. Noin sighed and produced several bottles of pain killers. She swallowed three of the strongest, followed by a sleep aid.

"Are not!" Wufei insisted.

Heero curled his lip. "You're all a bunch of stupid girls. Now get off me." He pushed Wufei to the floor.

"Ah!" Duo screamed, pointing. "Heero said he's a girl."

"I did not." He retorted, pinching the boy's leg.

"Ow!" Duo flopped back, rubbing his leg frowning. "Jerk."

Having found temporary amusement under the seats, Wufei suddenly bit Heero hard causing him to howl, which startled Quatre, who had been watching curiously from Noin's lap.

"You stupid girl, you bit me."

"I am _not_ a girl!"

"That's enough! I say you're all genderless. Happy now?" Milliardo asked through gritted teeth.

"What's that mean?" Trowa asked.

"It means you're a girl, right?"

"Wufei, why the hell do you care? Are you trying for a date?" He spat angrily, his deep voice laced with sarcasm.

The small Chinese boy stopped moving. "Huh?"

"Never mind . . ."

Quatre turned to him with sad eyes. "Why won't Noin wake up?"

"Shit." Milliardo muttered. "She's fine Quatre, just very tired, go sit in back again." _Wonder what she took this time_, he thought, feeling slightly abandoned. A slight tug on his shit pulled his attention away from the sleeping Noin. It was Relena.

"I have to go to the bathroom," she whispered.

"Okay, we'll stop. Can you hold it just a little longer?" He whispered back, giving her a playful smile.

"Yes."

With a sigh and a pat on her hand, he started looking for a rest stop. Ten minutes later he found one.

"Thank you, Milliardo," she sang sweetly, dashing for the door marked "women".

Five minutes later: "Relena, you all right?"

"Yes."

"Hurry up then please."

"I will."

Ten minutes after that: "Relena?"

"I'm almost done."

Her brother sighed again. "Okay."

Seven minutes and thrity-one seconds later: "Relena! What are you doing?"

"Coming!"

"I'm hungry." Whined Quatre, kicking the back of the seat.

"Girls take too long," Trowa stated, attempting to climb up the side of the van.

"Yeah," agreed Wufei. "It's not that hard to stand, aim, and pee."

_Oh God why me?_ Milliardo thought, running his hands over his face. He didn't really want to explain the difference between boys and girls to anyone, let alone Wufei.

"Maybe the potty rabbits got her!" Exclaimed Duo, who was in the process of trying to open one of Noin's bottles of aspirin.

"The potty rabbits?" Heero gave him a disbelieving glare.

"Yep." He now had a hammer in hand. His velvet eyes narrowed in concentration. A wild swing, hammer hits bottle, bottle hits Duo in the eye. Duo starts sobbing. Heero collapses in an explosion of giggles followed by Milliardo shouting, "damn it, Duo!" Shortly after putting ice on Duo's eye, Relena appeared with a piece of paper trailing on her shoe.

"Done," she said, flashing her most adorable grin as Milliardo scooped her up and removed the paper.

"Anyone else need to go?"

"I-."

"Good. Get in and lets go."

"But Zechs!"

"I'm still hungry," screamed Quatre. Milliardo hands him a candy bar.

"Zechs!"

"Shut up Heero, I only had one."

"But Zechs!" Heero whimpered.

"What?"

"Too late." He said quietly.

"Huh?" Milliardo turns to the boy. "Aw, damn it, Heero!"

Thirty minutes later the troupe is back on the road. Milliardo is livid after cleaning the backseat and finding clean clothes for Heero and Duo. Duo had found a giant mud puddle where they pulled over Wufei has fallen asleep, having tired himself out laughing at them.

"This doesn't match." Heero stated, tugging on his dark blue, faded t-shirt and black dress pants. "And neither does that." He pointed at Duo, who was clad in flannel trimmed overalls, a red and blue striped t-shirt with one yellow and one black socks.

"Oh well, who cares." Milliardo snapped, then he heard it.

"Relena give it back."

"No, it's mine."

_What now,_ thought the very annoyed driver, coming to another halt.

Quatre was trying to get a small green ball out of Relena's hand. The little princess was kicking him as he tackled her. Reaching back, Milliardo took the ball from his little sister and shoved it in his front pocket.

"Hey!" The two kids said in union. Relena sat back, pouting.

"Stupid jerk." Said Quatre as they started moving again.

Noin stirred, opened her eyes and smiled. "Hey, there, having fun?"

Milliardo stared at her, dumbfounded. His light blue eyes shut as he started laughing insanely. "Lucrezia, if you ever do that again I'll see to it personally that you never wake up."


	2. Where's The Closest Bar?

Note: I placed the characters in one of those three roomed hotel suits (it pays to be rich). 

Chapter Two  
Where's The Closest Bar?

A groan of exquisite relief. The smooth pillow case, cold and soft against his cheek. Moans from an overworked, broken body sinking into the mattress. Gentle hands caress his long, platinum colored hair. He smiles, sensing her warmth.

"They're all fast asleep. They were so tired." She starts rubbing his back.

"Good."

"You should get some sleep too, I bet you need it more than those kids."

"They're driving me nuts."

"I know. Get some sleep."

She patted his back and got up. Soon after he heard the shower water running. Flipping over, he stared at the ceiling for a while. Slowly his eye lids grew heavy and closed. The tension had just left his bones when he felt someone beside him. He opened his eyes to find Relena on the bed, clutching her doll with its head taped back on.

"I can't sleep. Can I sleep with you?" She asked timidly.

"Yeah, come on."

She snuggled against him, giggling when he tickled her pulling up the covers. He wrapped his arm around her, bringing her close.

"So tell me, my dear little sister, why can't you sleep?"

"Duo was snoring too loud."

Milliardo laughed, "oh was he?"

"Uh-huh, and Heero kept scaring me."

"Don't worry, I won't let him scare you again tonight. Try to sleep, okay?"

"Umh-ha . . ." Her little fist closing around his shirt.

Milliardo kissed the top of her golden-brown head. "Good night, Relena."

Noin stepped out of the bath half a hour later dressed in a loose t-shirt and gym shorts.

"Aw, how sweet." She said to herself when she caught sight of the sleeping prince and princess. "No matter what his mood, he tries so hard to be nice to her,' Noin marveled. "He really does love her."

Peeking in on the five boys, she found Wufei sitting up crying.

"Wufei, what's the matter?"

He sniffed. "I . . . miss . . . mommy."

"It's okay sweetheart. "She cradled him, wiping away the wet drops with her finger.

"Where, where is she?"

"I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't."

This made the sensitive little soul cry harder. He rested his chin on her shoulder, hugging her tightly.

"I want my mommy." He choked.

"I know, I know. Shhh . . . it's okay."

She took Wufei out of the room and placed him in her bed. Understanding that she wasn't going to leave him, he curled up against a pillow.

"I want my red blankie." He whispered, swallowing the last of his tears.

Noin smiled and went to get the blanket. She returned with the small red article in her hand. Wufei stuck out his small arms to take it. He was calmer now and starting to fall asleep. Noin laid down beside him. The young pilot grasped her hand, rubbing it for comfort.

_Poor little guy . . ._ her thoughts became lost in slumber.

"Zechs. Zechs. Zechs. Zechs, are you awake?"

Milliardo stirred.

"Zechs. Zechs. Zechs. Come on! Zechs."

"Mmnh . . . What?" He grunted, burying his head in the pillow.

"Okay, Trowa, he's awake now." Duo smiled evilly.

Trowa stepped up, his green eyes sparkling. He drew a deep breath and began. "I want to slide it in, right to the top, slide it in, I ain't-"

"Who taught you to sing that?" He cut off.

"I learned it all by myself," said Trowa taken aback.

"But where did you hear it?"

"In your room before we left." Innocence dripping off each word. Milliardo propped himself up as the boy continued. "You know, when you and Noin were jumping on the bed."

Forcing himself to exhale. "You saw us jumping on the bed?"

Trowa nodded, biting his nails. "It looked like Noin was stuck to you."

Completely flustered. "Oh, uh, eh, um . . . shit . . . it's a special way of jumping for adults because we're too tall, we'd hit our heads on the ceiling otherwise."

"Oh." Trowa searched his face meticulously, then decided he was telling the truth. "Then why were you stuck together?"

Milliardo's normally tan face paled. How on earth was he to answer that? "Well, uh, well we had a bottle of super-super glue, it got on us and we got stuck."

"Then what about your clothes?"

"Body suits. We were wearing skin colored body suits."

Duo glared at him suspiciously. "I didn't know you had skin colored suits."

"We don't."

"But you just said-" Duo started, flailing his arms.

"We had to throw them away because of the glue."

"That's dumb." Trowa said crossly.

"Yeah, you should know better than to jump on a bed with a bottle of super glue." Duo said, taking hold of Trowa's arm. "Come on, Trowa, let's go. And people say grown ups are smarter than kids, puh-leeze."

Relena put her arms around her brother's and squeezed it. "Milliardo, are you sick?"

"No. I'm fine."

"What were you, Duo, and Trowa talking about?"

"Something they'd have had to pick a lock to know about." Her stomach growled, and he smiled at her. "Hungry?"

"A little."

Taking his sister up. "Let's go get some breakfast."

-A few hours later-

"They asked all that?" Her midnight eyes showing much surprise.

"Yes."

"What did you tell them?"

"A bunch of b.s. about body suits and super glue."

"And they actually believed you?"

"Go figure." A loud screech interrupts him. "What the hell?"

Quatre runs past them laughing happily.

"Oh my! Quatre, where are your clothes?" Noin takes off after him.

Milliardo sighed and looked to the balcony, suppressing a frustrated scream. Relena and Trowa were busily throwing food onto anyone who was unfortunate enough to walk by.

"Both of you stop that!"

Leaping up, he pulled them away from the window. Trowa frowned and threw himself into a tantrum. Relena, taking the opportunity to squirm free of her brother's grasp, joined Heero and Wufei in jumping on the couch.

"Aw, damn it!" Milliardo yelled when he saw Duo painting the wall with peanut butter. "Stop that right now."

Startled, the young Duo dropped the jar and started to bawl.

"Aw, damn it, stop that right now!" Heero said, imitating him.

"All of you had better settle down right now, I'm warning you."

"I'm warning you. I'm warning you. I'm warning you." Heero chimed, bouncing as high as he could.

"Or else what, girl?" Retored Wufei.

Milliardo pulled out his gun and shot a hole in the wall next to Wufei's head. The child's eyes went wide as he collapsed in fear. Relena screamed and covered her ears. Duo cowered quietly in a corner, his eyes brimming with tears. All movement ceased, except for Heero who kept shouting at Milliardo to kill him.

_He worries me,_ Milliardo thought.

Noin came back in carrying a dressed Quatre and stared at the scene in shock.

"They're petrified, what did you do?" She caught sight of the gun, then the wall. "You shot at them! You shot at little children! Oh my God . . . Milliardo Peacecraft, what were you thinking? You weren't thinking."

"I . . ." He stammered.

"Aw, damn it. Aw, damn it." Heero sang at the top of his lungs.

Milliardo glared at him. "Shut up."

"Milliardo." Noin said crossly. "Heero don't swear."

"Bite me." Heero continued jumping.

Noin sighed. "Here, Quatre and I went to the gift shop and bought some playing cards, why don't you play a game."

"Strip poker?" Asked Duo.

"No." Noin snapped.

"Why not?" Heero inquired.

"Because she doesn't want to see Zechs and Duo's boobies." Answered Wufei, feeling brave.

"I am not a girl!" Duo jumped up and started hitting him.

"Duo stop." Noin clasped Duo in her free arm.

Wufei stuck his tongue out at him, which made the braided boy squirm more, trying to get at him.

"Where's Trowa?" Noin asked, looking around.

"He said he wanted to get the bird." Relena said shyly.

"What do you mean 'get the bird'?" Her brother asked. In reply, she simply pointed out the window.

"Wow, he's high." Quatre said in amazement. Trowa could be seen half way up a palm tree and climbing higher as security guards were trying to get him down.

"Pack up. We're leaving as soon as security catches Trowa." Milliardo said, throwing some things in a suitcase.

"Sure you can drive?" Asked Noin, watching as he cradled the wine bottle he had started nursing.

"No. Can you drive?"

"No problem. Come on kids, lets get ready to go."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three  
Sorry, Folks, I Never Had A Name

For half a hour the kids were silent in the van with Noin driving. Milliardo kept looking over his shoulder to make sure he wasn't dreaming. Each time he found Heero staring at him with his deep, cobalt eyes.

"Why are you staring at me?"

Heero's only reaction to the question was to tilt his head slightly, never shifting his gaze.

"Well?" He asked, growing annyoed.

"You don't have nose hair." The boy said bluntly. "Dr. Jay has nose hair."

"He's a dirty old man."

"To me you're old and dirty."

"And to me you're a disturbed child in need of shock therapy."

Noin gave him a warning glare. The prince mumbled something to himself and turned back around.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note:

Well, that's where I left off almost seven years ago. I don't remember what I had planned for the ending, I think it had something to do with a cure being found and Milliardo turning the van sharply around saying something like "screw Disneyland". My only clue as to the rest of what I was thinking was a scribbled note in the corner of a page suggesting a scene with the kids and child leashes. If I get enough requests, I might sit down and draw up an ending, but I do know I hadn't ever intended to write them in Disneyland- too much effort on such a silly story, or so I thought at the time (and still do). Well thanks for reading, hope to hear from you.


End file.
